I didn't get the job

Same old story.  I didn't get the chaplain job for which I recently interviewed.  I felt like crying when I got the impersonal form e-mail that simply said "thank you...blah blah blah" and "...you can look for other opportunities on www..." I feel a few of those emotions that might be associated with grief.  I am feeling some anger... looking for something to get angry about at the institution that did not want to hire me.  I am feeling sadness and fear, because I have the feeling of anxiety that comes with bereavement.  I say these things to process them.  However, I recognize that this grief isn't just like the loss of a person I love.  I know that loss too. 

This loss represents the loss of potential income, the loss of my vision for the future, that loss we call unrealized dreams.  This loss is also an intrapsychic loss, meaning I am struggling to make sense of where I belong in this world.  Where do I belong?  I don't know anymore, because all I know is I want to do ministry, transform lives of others, encourage and challenge the spiritual and emotional lives of persons I meet. 

Lately I'm feeling like I am being drawn and quartered.  I need to probably cut loose a little more from the Episcopal church where I have been serving on a volunteer basis with their youth group and their women's Bible study.  These have been wonderful opportunities for me to gain more ministry experience in areas that I can be better at.  However, I suppose I have been hoping that by throwing myself into these areas, which I really love doing, by the way, I guess I was thinking that they might somehow mystically lead me or connect me to other opportunities along the way.  I thought I was trusting God to help me find the way through this wilderness, but I guess I wasn't trusting God "correctly."  I have nothing else to put my trust in right now.  My state pension is all that I have left and I don't want to simply cash it in without a plan. 

It's weird how having faith is definitely a risk, but with the assurance of God's goodness towards us, but a risk that we will feel a sense of disappointment along the way.  But when we have that disappointment, we are asked to just have more faith.  Last night I dreamed, after I had gotten the word that I didn't get the job, that someone stole my wallet and cell phone.  It was the sickest feeling I had had in a dream, in a long time.  I know it was an anxiety dream.  I simply looked into my purse and all I had was a few receipts and pens.  It was horrible.  I thought, I didn't even know how to find a working pay phone to call my creditors, since pay phones are so rare these days!

The only comfort I have been getting regarding a sense of security recently is the knowledge that the temp agency tries to offer me as much work as possible.  Today I am preparing to work as a receptionist at a private Christian school, hopefully as long as it takes for them to find a permanent person to fill that position.  I might be able to work for them next week too, but I cannot put all my eggs in one basket.  Well, this is a discussion that is going to keep on going, and I need to get dressed for work.  I hate being a receptionist, but perhaps I will enjoy this assignment.
Peace
Amy