I just found out that check I got yesterday was actually real. I am skeptical of online stuff that I don't remember, with good reason.
On a sad note, I have been processing the death of Tmo. I am really shocked. I also can't believe that he had moved to Austin sometime before I moved away to ABQ. I feel sad that I didn't get a chance to see him one last time. He is everything and more that those obits I posted below said about him. Tmo was a larger-than-life sort of guy, who had a warm, sensitive heart for others, yet was a total misfit who wore skirts and mohawk to school when he was a high school student in Dallas. It reminds me once more of that Butthole Surfers song popular back in the mid-90s: "...they were all in love with dying and were doing it in Texas..." from Electriclarryland. In fact, I think I will put it on right now. It's been a while since I listened.
Tmo and I met at Grinders Coffee Shop on Lower Greenville Avenue, way back before Erykah Badu was the barista. She came soon after and jammed sometimes on the patio with Tmo and his band, SofaKingdom (later called Fukarwee and then Myrrh). I would go there after work each day because I was so bored and was new to town. I would see this hulking man pull up on a reddish BMW cycle around the same time each day and we finally got to talking about stuff. I think he was curious because I was always there writing in a journal. I was curious because he was cute, unusual and he had a bike. We started dating way back when I lived in this divey efficiency apartment off of Park Lane and Upper Greenville Avenue. Tmo helped me move a couple of times, even after I moved in with Scott in an apartment off of Steppington Lane (a place I call "Apartmentland"). Finally Tmo convinced me to move out of that apartment because of Scott's massive alcoholism. Tmo was so supportive of me then, although I was slightly skeptical that he might have also wanted me to move away for other reasons too. I was dating him, not Scott, at the time. But my heart really did belong to Scott.
Later on, when Scott got himself more together, his drinking had hit rock-bottom and he ended up in a treatment program, I broke up with Tmo because I realized that I truly did love Scott. I know that I also broke Tmo's heart. It kills me to think of that now. I was such an idiot but it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. I hate that I hurt him like I did. Gosh. I can't believe my life was like that. Let's see... Tmo and I split in November '99, Scott died in 2002 from lymphoma, Tmo showed up one day at my door and told me he nearly got married and she dumped him. I felt angry at him at that time because I felt he had no sympathy or interest in the fact that I was also grieving for Scott. Perhaps he had no reason to feel that way for me, but then I felt that he had no other business showing up unannounced like that. I can't believe that I went to seminary to study for ministry after all that!
So a second ex-boyfriend is now dead, although technically I guess Scott was my fiance when he died. What is up with that? I can't believe how flippant that looks when I write it. I certainly don't mean it flippantly. I am still in shock and I start crying as soon as I say that. I believe my grief is intensified by a sense of guilt over how I treated him. All I can do is tell myself that Tmo is no longer here for me to call and say I am sorry. And all I can do is give thanks for all the love that is in my life.
I should call my S.O. and talk to him, which I will do later but he is presently super busy getting a quote together for a contract to do low-voltage wiring down at The Pit at UNM. He's under a deadline, so I don't want to interrupt that right now. Merle's under a lot of stress at the moment and having me call him up crying about the death of an ex-boyfriend doesn't seem like the best thing. I will tell him about it later tonight.
Something reassuring for me to remember is my faith that in life and in death we belong to God. I really believe that even a misfit like Tmo belongs to God. I heard that at his funeral service everyone was supposed to come dressed as only he would want. I can only imagine wacky wigs, fishnet stockings, t-shirts with offensive or offbeat messages, safety orange Dickies jumpsuits, and so forth. I am sorry that I wasn't there, but maybe it was appropriate that I wasn't. He was the one who gave me my very own Carhartt overalls as a gift. I wore them a few months ago when doing demo on a construction site.
Well, I need to be doing some other stuff. I have some job searching to do and need to clean the kitchen. Thanks for reading this. Tmo is not dead but moved to a new place. I think I will look up his family tonight and see if I can find them.
Peace out.
Amy
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